Chapter 29 – New constellations

Well, uhm… it’s 2021.

Probably the less said the better and if it could be erased all together that would be a present the world desperately needs.

Despite going through what is possibly the worst year of our lives (but probably won’t be for long), one would think being alive is a victory of some sorts, instead it’s only the beginning of what is to come, and it’s hard to brace yourself for the future when you have even less idea of what it’s going to look like than usual.

Now, being that it is Aquarius season and in general 200 years of air signs, I choose to believe that shit is real just because it benefits me now, so I won’t dwell on the negativities for long as to not ruin my karma and/or swag.

In short, every fiber of my being was challenged to stay afloat last year. I’ve had worse patches of mental health throughout my life that are somehow, shockingly, behind me, but I found myself finding excuses left and right, even though, in all honesty, my life wasn’t all that different.

I was already indulging in way too much Netflix as it is, I barely leave the house anyway as most of my friends went back to their home towns ( a situation I wanted to avoid), and opportunities to leave were few and far between. I was spending a lot of time writing, creating, and even filming, so that was normal for me and nothing really felt different.

This blog was operating on autopilot for most of the year and besides that, most of my responsibilities were deciding that to make for dinner and to go to the store in normal hours, not to miss the curfew.

Yet despite all of that, this was the year when my insecurities crept up the easiest, my anxiety peaked in and out for most of the year, and my will to chase any goal was in the red.

A lot of people say that we are going into a new normal and that’s something I am really afraid of, not really from a medical point of view, but what it will do to me.

New constellations

Last year I’ve craved to not be alone at night most of any other, desperately clinging to anything that resembled any emotional support that I would otherwise probably ignore or neglect.  Last year, I wanted more than ever before to be anyone else, to be an author, artist, musician, athlete and to be able to exit my own existence and continue on as a ghost all in once. To this day, I have no idea how that feeling of disembodiment went away, but I’m really glad it did.

It was easy for me to dwell on the negative, because it was everywhere around me, whether on the news, the internet, friends, people on the streets that you pass by rarely, you could feel the bad auras as if they were your own. It took me a insurmountable time to learn to make my tragedies a work of art.

In 2021, I will definitely not be chasing any goals nor accomplishments. Despite missing out on most of last year on so many opportunities, I’m finally in a stable position regarding work, I’m finding a passion for my art again, slowly but surely, with nothing on the horizon to disrupt or cripple me but my own thoughts. And if I start going to therapy like I plan on, there won’t be even that!

This year I want to create freely, focus on improving my health in all areas, explore the world of TikTok, hopefully travel somewhere as well if the overall situation gets better, try out new hobbies like learning to play an instrument or painting, and overall growing as a person. I have so much growth I need to go through yet, hoping that on the other side of that there is a person worthy of love and affection.

Now, in this clusterfuck of emotions and random thoughts, I guess what I wanted to portray is – WE’VE SURVIVED, but there is still so much surviving and fighting left for all of us and I want us to have the strength to fight and the fortitude to endure.

 

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