Chapter 31 – Stuck in the middle

This week the only thing on my mind is how, come this Saturday, I will be 25. It might not seem like a lot, and it probably isn’t, it’s just an over-glorified moment in my head probably, but it’s a stepping stone, a good enough checkpoint to figure out where one is in life. It’s an even enough number to hold some significance and if we really want to, analyzing our lives by quarters of a century is good enough, empirically.

Looking back on the last 25 years I have no idea where I stand in life. Did I think I would do better? Sure. Could I have done much worse? I could have been dead…

But the fact of the matter is that, even if I didn’t have this much anxiety and a panic attack every time I think about what could have been, I’d still compare my current situation with the one I fantasized for myself to be in at this point in time. I guess it’s normal to always compare something and it’s better to criticize yourself than others, but I for one do not know the right measure and I indulge in an unhealthy amount of both…

If I wanted to compare myself to others, I could have had my own company and live in a penthouse in some of the biggest cities in the world, I could have had books out, albums out, movies out, I could have done so many things… Instead, relatively speaking, I am but a lonely muggle.

Now, comparing myself to my own generation of people that I know, I am actually fairly well off. I finished my degree, I have a good job (and sometimes I cannot believe I have such an important one), I live alone in a one bedroom apartment in the city center, I’m almost debt free and I don’t have to worry on whether or not I would be able to afford groceries like I have been for the majority of my life. I’m carefree about most of the things that “regular” people are plagued by. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the freedom, I embrace it with both arms as I believe I have earned it, but it’s only natural for humans to want more out of ourselves and out of life. I want more of out life than this, even thought it’s already not “just this” or “only this”. Does that make sense?

Quarter-life crisis is shaking me really bad, and if I had to go through a list of signs I’m burdening myself with yet another problem, I think I would be at least an 11 out of 15 (and not to brag about my prediction abilities, I did achieve just that in the article here, down to the T...)

Along with it comes the impostor syndrome, thinking that I am not good enough to be where I am, to be alive, and that I never will be. It’s something that’s always on the backburner of my mind and it’s like a monkey I can’t get off my back. But those are all topics for – THERAPY.

There are so many things I could have accomplished by now dude, it’s embarrassing to even count them all out for myself because if I say it out loud it becomes real and I can’t ignore it anymore.

So I won’t say, but I’ll continue questioning if I am on the right path, if I am who am I supposed to be and if I will be the person I want to be 5 years from now, 10 years from now…

For most of it, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle, not yet fully a grown-up but not really a carefree kid anymore either. That’s why quarter-life crisis is so real dude, and why so many of you have probably gone through it or will go through it with me cuz’ this shit ain’t gonna be over in two seconds, it’s here to stay awhile, might as well charge it rent.

So what if I didn’t do all the things I planned on doing when I was 20, a much younger and dumber version of me? Shit hit the fan, multiple times, and nobody could have seen any of it coming but somehow you always feel like even more shit is coming your way and you just can’t escape it.

I still have so much time to do so many things, and there really isn’t a time limit for any of them to become a reality. I can always publish something, even in my 40s and 50s if it comes to it, I could maybe buy an apartment next year, or the year after that, or the year after that, it won’t change much. I could start figuring out my mental health this month, or maybe next month… Time is a social construct and it’s real only if you let it be.

Time passing by won’t make me stop making plans and trying to stick to them, if anything, it’ll force me into a maniacal rage in planning them out even further. The only thing being 25 should mean is that I should account the experience I have gained so far to chase even more experience down the road and find even more joy in life than I have ever imagined possible just a couple of years ago. It stopped being so dark and cloudy so it can start being just a little bit more bright for a while…

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