Chapter 32 – What’s going on?

 

 

I’ve had sort of a breakthrough moment the day after my birthday, about how my last five were so disappointing because those times of my life were so tough and devastating, and even in those darkest moments I was enough of a narcissist to not harm myself. But not only that, I indulged further in the narcissistic moment of thinking that someone will actually miss me, that someone, even if it was just one person, would feel awful for the rest of their lives, that they would suffer and never be the same.

And I have been thinking about that ever since, because that is honestly what saved me. Had I been just depressed, I would have been long gone. That’s such a hard realization to have when you are climbing higher and higher every week that I felt like I’m being dragged down again by some of those intrusive thoughts again just because I was doing too well. The ghosts of future past keep haunting me every year on the same day, just to remind me what could have been. It’s the universe’s way of humbling my ass really quick, reminding me of the reason why I’m here in the second place.

I was mentally ill, still am, but I had just enough to actually save myself from the abyss. That’s one of the reasons why I probably could never be that someone to save someone else because me being here, it’s purely circumstantial. Who am I to tell you what you need to do to heal yourself like I did? At the end of the day, I would never say in all case, but in most, time does heal all wounds, time is a miracle worker. Now because I let time do what it does best, I have time that I own.

Just stop for a second and imagine – Can you imagine being saved from the consequences of a mental illness because of another mental illness? One would actually think that I’d do it for the attention first and foremost, that’s what narcissists wants the most I guess. So I don’t know, I feel like this is something for a therapist to uncover and help resolve, because the more I think about it, the more I’m confused as to why I’m still here.

Everything I’ve realized I have already written in a long ass poem so it’s hard to go through those thoughts and emotions once again but I wanted to save that moment in my online journal, just because this will have a time stamp forever but at some point, I’ll put a link to it, how ever I release it into the world.

I’ve been struggling with the end of January for as long as I can remember, because it was always the most hated part of the year, the longest month, everyone just wanted it to be over, and when you hear that over and over and over again, for twenty years, you condition yourself to believing that you are not important. That’s why the 30th of January was always my lowest point of the year for so long. Up until two years ago, I couldn’t remember when was the last time I celebrated my birthday (that’s one of the reasons why I insist on doing it ever since I have been living alone these last two years), I couldn’t remember it either not spending the day curled up in my bed, or pretending to be ok at work after which I was dark and cloudy at home once again, until the month was over.

Now, it’s such a contrast dude. I’m living my best life, enjoying time with my friends, doing art, feeling energized and just, doing the most. It’s so crazy to look at what my life was just two years ago. In a whole, it’s much better despite having those bad days that I think I will never fully escape. I’ll always have moments when I’m not ok and that’s fine.

All of these realizations recently are really helping me heal from within, and journaling and writing it out is the reason why I’m a lot more at peace with all the shit that I’ve been through.

If there is one thing I wish for you to take from this, it does get better, I have no idea how, why, or any of the other answers to your questions, it just does, and all you can do is believe me when I say that it does and see me as proof.

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