Chapter 35 – I don’t know what I am doing nor what I want

I’ve been writing this one for a solid two months now, probably… and I think that best describes both my state of mind and is a perfect introduction into this retrospection if you are to guess what would be ahead based on the title of this post.

Once a fun little hobby, a collection of diary entries, it has become burdening a lot of the times. There is always something I would rather do and much of it doesn’t even need to be all that important or fun, it just needs to be… not this. I don’t have the patience to write my feelings out, to introspect my mental state, to leave a mark for a future occasion of skimp-reading through the posts in the evenings with a cup of tea.

I haven’t felt creative in months now, and usually they come and go in burst, with small reappearances through the drought, but this is one hell of a dry spell! It pains me to even be typing out these words but I feel like I have to start again, because keeping this blog alive is still a goal of mine, growing it is also a goal of mine, making it into a profitable hobby is still a somewhat goal as well, and I can’t keep neglecting my dreams anymore honestly, I’ve been doing it long enough…

When I think about all the goals I have set out for this year, and how a quarter has already passed and I have done none of it, it makes me furious of myself, and the perpetual cycle of rage and monotony shuffle inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather be dead if I’m perfectly honest.

I’m not depressed, but it feels like I am, because I’m experiencing all of the side-effects, and I don’t really have a reason to be depressed, my life is better then it ever was. I’m not afraid of it going down in ruins because I’ve already experienced that, I doesn’t have a hold on me. I’m not pursuing new heights now because my basic needs are met, even though I could, and the failure in achieving those new heights is not weighting in on me, not one bit. And yet, I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

I am more then ever aware that ADHD is hitting me really hard, that impression is growing stronger each day when I look back at how I’ve squandered even more chances, the pile of them becoming insurmountable. Small and simple tasks are being pushed to the side, postponed indefinitely, and sometimes doing the dishes takes 3-5 business days for no valid reason. My life right now is what being depressed looks like, and yet, I am not.

I hate myself every day thought for everything, but obviously not enough to pull my life together. That’s one of the reasons why I know I need help, and I’m looking into it, but it’s not easy. 

I’m hoping that by compartmentalizing my thoughts, this becomes a small step in the right direction.


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