This was written more than two years ago, and I think it’s a good reminder of what my life was at that point and how different it is now. So, I am posting it in full, hopefully, you will be able to tell what emotion I was portraying and that you will learn through multiple upcoming posts what my life has become.
So, like most of the time in my so far short life, I was triggered by a song – Lies by Marina and the Diamonds (also, for this post while I am writing this, my inner voice will have a British accent, it’s not really important, I just thought you should know), a marvelous song by an extraordinary talent. Now if you have ever heard it, you know that Marina possesses powerful vocals, great songwriting skills and so much emotion in all of her lyrics.
“Lies” is one of my favorite songs I would say and every time I randomly stumble upon it on my playlist, I always get this weird feeling of nostalgia mixed with regret and grief. I thought that I might like to use its lyrics to analyze my current state of mind.
It got me thinking about the whole concept of lies.
I have always had people around me that were lying to me, my life recently is a lie, it’s now a mirage, a shadow of its former self. I think about how no one ever really chose my side, how they didn’t even give me the chance to prove my innocence, they just rather sided with the devil, how I lost faith in a lot of people I held dear up until recently… My life is a chaotic mess, with no intention of getting any better.
I sing to myself as I wipe tears from my eyes, and mind you, it has been a really long time since I last wept because a song got to me. Unlike in the song, I am not looking for acceptance from a lover; I am looking for acceptance from life. When will it ever love me, or will it ever love me? Will I ever get my turn in this shithole? It remains to be seen. My hopes are not as strong as they once were.
That was all I ever wanted, to have a normal life, the kind I see people around me have. I want my life to be perfect, I want myself to be perfect, but I am so fucked up in so many ways that I am afraid that is no longer a possibility. Achieving perfection… is it even possible? Certainly not for me.
Mind you, I am listening to the acoustic version of the song even while I am writing these words. I hope the next time I stumble upon this song that it will not take me down memory lane, that in that moment and in that time I will have my shit together, at least a little bit better than what I have now.
This is my final answer. Does it even need any explanations? Someday, maybe I will not be playing a losing game, but those brighter times are far away.
At the end of the day, all that is left for me is to smile and hide my worries away. They are not for public display, nor does the public care if I am dying inside.