Now, this is going to be a post in which I share what I have learned over the span of a year or so, whether it be from youtube, from other blogs, from books etc etc. So, I am making a compiled list of all the knowledge gifted to me.
Just kidding, it’s going to be a collection of bad advice and sarcasm, because, have you met me? It’s what this whole blog is about, so stay tuned to some of the advice that I have picked up.
write every day – and if you don’t have time to write every day, are you even a writer? Let me take that gold medal cookie your bought yourself away from you, you unholy being..
write like no one is going to read it- then who in the fuck is going to read it later? the dust bunnies in your multiple drawers where you will keep your work hidden, never to see the light of day? I suggest you move to a different hobby
write what you know- and don’t ever even try to do some research and never grow as a person, writer or storyteller. You are who you are, stick to it!
Quantity produces quality. If you only write a few things, you are doomed. – but focus solely on quantity, the more the marrier!
Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible – because everyone loves an infodump and has the will to read the next 300 pages if they know everything that has happened in the first 20 pages.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative- the opposite of write every day… write once in every blue moon, and see what happens… and try not to active your bipolar disorder between these two pieces of advice…
Don’t make your opening scene too dark.- so never write any horror or thriller or anything of the sort, just rainbows and sunshine, and love triangles.
A novel needs a prologue. – and tell the whole history of it in those 2 pages
“Said” is boring. Use more energetic tags like “exclaimed”,”growled”, and “ejaculated.”- this is not the porn industry, calm yourself.
Never use sentence fragments: all characters must speak (and think) in perfect English.- everyone in the entire world speaks perfect English, and so should your characters, after all, they are the epitome of perfection (and not just in your head!)
Never read other writers while you’re working on a novel, or you’ll write like them.- ughhh, I wish.
Kill your darlings- and spend countless sleepless nights figuring how to do so, or mourning their fictional deaths, I hear thats a treat as well.
“The first draft of everything is shit” – while this one might be true, there certainly are people out there who can manage perfection from the first try, and those 3 of you that can, lucky bastards, get out of here, this is not for you
It’s doubtful that anyone with an Internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction. – search “renting cave for very cheap” on the internet and decide to move there after your last use of the world wide web and start taking your writing career seriously damn it!
Don’t take anyone’s writing advice too seriously.
Abuse character names
Listen to your editor- because they are the smartest and wisest in all the land
Longer is better, more to read is always great! – it’s not like people’s attention spans are becoming shorter and shorter by each day, why not bore them some more?
avoid cliches like the plague- this one is used so much that it’s becoming a cliche of its own… What if some characters use cliches in their dialogue? Are you just supposed to rewrite that even though it fits perfectly? Should you not show the cliche that is the cliche and therefore make a complete circle? Shold you not inception it?
Add in the comments below if you have seen other stupid or “stupid” advice that can be added to the list later on, and I’ll read ya tomorrow!