Chapter 16

It has taken more victims per year than any other natural disaster or disease, any wars that have ever taken place. Victim count is in the millions, and there is no sign that it is going to change.

It’s silent, but in us all. You can’t see it, hear it but you sure can feel it.
It preys, waiting for its chance to strike. It has no continence, no convenience, no moral compass. It’s not what you think it is. It is cold and distant.
Self-doubt, you serial killer.
Just think about how the world would be different if we didn’t doubt in ourselves. This is a trait I have noticed that goes along with being the good person, the smart one, the unique individual. I don’t see evil doubting itself, and I just can’t help but wonder how different it all could have been, how different my life could have been had I only had that little bit of courage. Had I went to the university I wanted, had I moved out when I wanted to, have I told certain people what needed to be said.
Self-doubt is an evil mistress. There are no rules, and very little one can do to overcome it. You are either born with confidence or not, and if you are not it is very tough to build your character up from scratch. That is something you learn as the years go by, as you become more comfortable in your own skin, no matter how big of a hot fucking mess you might be. It takes time, patience and experience, a lot of trying and failing. The transition in itself has been rather invisible. I didn’t sense anything changing in me.
It’s the small steps, the small gestures that we all do that make us better.
Finding friends that are equally disturbed as you are, that is the key however hard that might be at the bottom of the self-doubting pit. Share the fears and the worries.
Like all things that humans need answers for, I wish that I knew that it would be better, that there is an end to everything. The first step I took was starting this blog, and I am still learning and improving. The next step would be to try and finish some of those things that needed to be done, like quitting my job for instance. Cheers to that!
With hope and time, maybe the victim count will start to decrease. The world needs confident, wise and good people, now more than ever it seems.

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