SO, a little introduction to this one. This is what I wrote as a snapshot of what my life was exactly three years ago to the day. it was never supposed to see the light of day, but I feel like I need to set it up here, as not only a reminder, but a lesson to anyone who might be experiencing the same things as I was three years ago. This are much better now, but they weren’t always, and it pains me to read these words again knowing in what a dark place I was in and how I was struggling to float above water. The words portrayed here are not a true representation of the state of mind i was in simply because i did not want to write those words down (that’s why it’s now in my poetry *cough*), for anyone to see, including me. I wanted to forget about them as soon as possible, so i wrote about the stuff that bothered me.
For some time now I have caught myself having unrealistic goals for myself, wishes and desires that were more in the science fictional realm than in realiti. So today, I feel like making an update and also a turning point for what is going to happen next week.
Recently I started taking too much responsibility on myself, doing this and that and some more stuff and it got too time consuming. With working full time, changing jobs and doing all the prep for the transition, with keeping tabs on my blog (as poorly as I do anyway), with studying for my exams and house work and other obligations everyone has, it got to a point where I was sleeping 6 hours per day for a longer period of time and I was a zombie again.
I wanted to get a lot of things done in between, like socialize, learn Java and PHP, learn Photoshop, learn as much as I can about running a great blog (author note: my first attempt at a blog), read all the social marketing e-books I could find, watch all the tutorial, start writing another project dedicated solely for my blog (to be revealed soon anyway), and in between I wanted to read a book a week so that I can make reviews that I wanted to publish regularly on my blog, not to mention to start jogging daily and doing some exercises as well.
Something had to suffer, and I was suffering. Emotionally and physically.
I also wanted to plan my summer for trips to the seaside, to Prague or Vienna. I even started making a planner for daily tasks that needed to be done. Needless to say I feel behind after week one.
Why did I set myself up for failure right at the start? Because I am an ambitious idiot. I wanted to push myself as I felt I needed a little bit of a push. I am a lazy person by nature so I need a lot of pressure on my back to actually get shit done so when push comes to shove I actually do manage to do everything. This was not the case.
Do you see all my desires, all my wishes? Gone.
As of this moment, as of this Monday (well Tuesday actually, what, are you surprised? Are you not entertained?) all that unrealistic thinking is gone. That’s right. I have decided not to force myself just so that I could get a lot of things done in a short period of time.
I need to know myself and myself says that I am overbooked and lazy to do all of those things. I want to do them, I really do, I want to do even more things and I always feel like there is not enough time, when in realiti I have an entire life time to finish all of these. Why the rush? Why the disappointment? It will all be done and dusted soon enough. There is no reason to burden myself with so many tasks at once. Sleep is my friend (I remind myself as I have to wake up in less than 8 hours).
I honestly can say that there will come a time during the summer when I will feel like I have too much free time and I want to cram everything again in that short period but I must remember to slap myself when I try to do that. Everything will be done, just chill. *** where have I heard that one before?
There is no use in running yourself to the ground, especially if no one is going to be there to pick you up, and I have no one.
If you liked these kinds of insights and expression of thoughts, here are some of the previous chapters: