Every year, approximately this time of the year, I get overflown with emotions, most of the times a mix of sadness and depression at times. I feel injustices stronger and just in general I feel pretty emo I have to say.
Sometimes it just randomly consumes me when I listen to a song or when I watch an episode of a show. I don’t even know why that is really, so I guess what I am trying to do that is figure out why? And also what’s different now as opposed to a few years ago.
There first thing that would be different is, well, the timing. Years ago when it was September, I had this “ritual” to listen to songs from a Swedish singer called September. Her music is very disco and poppy and what not, so that’s mostly why that itself was very weird, and then it’s weird now being that September was usually the month of September (inception!).
What triggers is these days is music like My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, Paramore, Fall out Boy… Even though they are not hardcore emo (since I never really was hard core) they are still classified as emo music. What triggered me before, when I was a teenager, was a song I thought was a super sad pop song, like Marina and the Diamonds kind of thing or earlier Banks works. Now, I have only recently started to explore the genre of punk-rock so that’s maybe it as well.
Favorite TV shows also trigger me. I know it’s pretty lame and really I don’t think I should say this, but some episodes from Grey’s Anatomy, Orphan Black, Sense8, FRIENDS, How I met your mother, and a tone more, really fucked me up for a short time.
It’s really weird… but now, why now? Is it because of the change of seasons? Am I nostalgic for summer? Am I nostalgic for the start of school since I haven’t experienced that in three full years? Is it because I am generally moody? Have mood swings? Is it Venus breaching into the aura of Pluto?
I don’t know.
I can’t say that I am ungrateful or anything. My inner emo is responsible for some of my best art, some of my best written thoughts and lines, and I always try to channel a little bit of it.
Could it be that it’s my past that is leaving scars on me? But nothing important happened for me in September. Or is it just my past in general? My whole life to this point… is that what’s making me so dark and twisted.
I mentioned this before, I don’t see anything as black and white. It’s all a different shade of grey for me. I think that mostly represents my emotions at best and why I get so easily triggered sometimes. The timing can be so freaking weird that it leaves me in awe.
I was a happy kid, a happy teenager for most of the time, despite not having the happiest of lives. No one ever knew what was going on inside, what I kept hidden. Am I the victim of my own heart? I don’t think so. I don’t know. It could be. It’s possible.
That is why I can understand why anyone would ask : “Hey, why are you this way”?. And probably with tears in my eyes while trying to laugh it off I would reply ” I fucking don’t even know myself”.