So this post will be somewhat different than the usual. Quite recently I started my last year of university studies and frankly I started freaking out over things that still await me after that.
My biggest concern is that even with a bachelors degree I will be stuck at some dead-end job, have no perspective what so ever and just die in mediocrity…
Living alone doesn’t scare me, I practically live alone now. It’s no paying rent or food or utilities, I have done that as well for a while now since I had to work and go to uni. It’s not the fact that all of my friends are moving to different cities, I will visit them and we will always chat!
It’s having no perspective, no future…
I wish this blog would generate the interest so that I wouldn’t need to fear that, or that my studies will actually give me any competent skills, but I fear that won’t be the case. I never really had much expectations of my blog to begin with, as a matter of fact, I already exceeded that in late August, but I do wish to become better.
I wish to do a lot of online classes to be able to say that I know some shit. My biggest fear is that I will have to go back to my restaurant job and be miserable all over again! All this has brought stress back into my life, just when I got rid off a lot of it.
The real world is a scary place, a very big ocean, one in which I was pushed prematurely and I still haven’t learned to swim.
Some days I have the motivation to work so fucking hard to achieve all of my personal goals, but on many days it gets tough to get up in the morning and to believe that everything will be OK, because I live in this fucking country because I always think of the worst possible scenario, because it’s not easy for me to just be optimistic when everything is pointing in the wrong direction.
It’s so hard to be aware of the fact that I need to go to classes, work a job and also motivate myself to do a lot of learning and self-growth. It’s depressing to think that y doing all of that, I have no time for myself or for my creativity. It’s hard, every day.
The real world devours people like me.
I fear what’s to come.
I fear going back into that hole again and I don’t want to be there. It was so hard to escape it once… Living in this world is hard, every day. You need to get used to it.
Tomorrow hopefully it’s time to work hard again. That’s the only thing that I can influence, that I can change. That’s the only thing that’s up to me.