There is always someone better, there is always someone who is believed to be better at a certain craft, a certain ob, or just by being a better human being. That is what you are told to believe, to make you feel better I can only imagine, or should I say to try and make you feel better about yourself. We all know that shit doesn’t work.
We all pay the comparison game, whether we want to or not. It comes naturally to want to know how we are doing compared to “industry standards”. But what when that self-doubting moment becomes too much, and you just start to wonder, will anything you ever do be good enough?
It’s always one person who starts to cripple your self-confidence, usually from an early age and I hate to say it, but for me, it was definitely my mother. She always played favorites no matter how much she tried to deny it, it was blatantly obvious when all my brother had to do was just exist to receive praise while me being a valedictorian in middle and high school was received as “just normal. And what happens when you pursue some art or a sport, or anything similar? If you give your writing, your heart and soul to the person who was supposed to care the most, but she just never found the time while she had time to attend my brothers street workout competitions every time.
I was raised with perpetually low self-esteem and it took me years of self-discovery to even be able to TRY and repair the damage. But the damage has already left scares everywhere I turn. Everything I try to conquer, I keep asking myself “Is it even good enough?”. It has taken over my work life, my creativity, my blog even… when there are times like I feel like those things will never meet the norm, they will never be standard at best, but just mediocre if not worse.
Those are the rules that have been set upon us for centuries and eons and it’s hard to just discard so much history. It leaves me handicapped straight from the start, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can lie to myself and say that I will get over, that I can get over it, but I know that is far from the reality. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at something I have created or done and be sure that is good enough, that I won’t question its quality.
It’s not healthy, it definitely isn’t, but many things have to lead to this throughout my life, first my family, then the education system, then the place of employment where there are so many fucking rules but people feel the need to accommodate them to their own whim and just completely ignore what’s right and what’s wrong.
It’s wrong to have to doubt yourself, it’s wrong to live like that every day and it took me a while to discover the root of my problems, where it all goes back to.