Everything takes time, it takes so much fucking time… You need to be patient for things to fall into place. All you can do is have the hunger to persevere. That’s all.
It’s the wait while you are doing the work that drives you crazy. I hate those people who wait for things to just fall in place while they do nothing, but when you are slaving your poor little heart out day in and out, hustling between multiple fronts and life (and people!) just seem to kick you in the nuts consistently, how are you supposed to feel anything but disappointed?
I wish I could be one of those naturally positive people, I think I have mentioned that already somewhere. I am the kind of person who expects results in the foreseeable future, what good does it do me that life has a huge reward in it for me in the upcoming years when it takes all of my being to survive up until that point?
Sometimes things do come prematurely, like having to forgive a friend for backstabbing you much much earlier than you anticipated (read: NEVER) and there you are, in a public space, having to acknowledge their existence. I could go on about this. Are you ever ready for those?
I want to give up, like honestly giving up completely comes on my mind more often than I would like to admit. I don’t want it there, but it is.
Chapter 54
It’s constantly there. Lurking…
Watching me like a hawk.
Waiting for a slip off so that it can take me into its abyss.
And I don’t want to be in that dark place, it’s not like I choose it, but then again I do not choose many things.
I would have liked to have the choice to choose my life fixing itself in a timely manner. It’s not too much to ask, is it?
Is it too much to ask that people are not constantly shitheads and that they acknowledge that we are all human beings and to not fucking do to others that they would not like to be done to them?
Is this my problem of how I see the world? Is it really a problem that I was raised as a correct human being as opposed to many others who haven’t?
I wish that I could figure out all the pieces of the puzzle NOW. I want it now. I want to keep my head above the water so I can live. I want to live (a normal life, that’s all I ask)…
All I ask is for not to have to cry anymore, not to cry myself to sleep, not to regret doing something
But am I ready yet?

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