It’s something that I have been noticing for quite some time now, that I do possess this glitch of the system that I have made for myself.
From a very young age, I learned to be disappointed in a lot of things and over time I developed a self-defense mechanism to not expect too much, too not get my hopes up so that I wouldn’t get hurt. When you get hurt more often than you’d like, you justify fortifying yourself, hiding in a cocoon, to stay safe and sound.
It has lead me to not have any expectations anymore and I know that might be some cliché bullshit, but I stand by my bullshit.
Sometimes, because of that, I wouldn’t even start doing something because I already “knew” that I was setting myself up for disaster. I never dared to do almost anything. Playing it safe has become my new normal.
I didn’t go to University in a different city because I would have to pay for my expenses meaning I would have to work (well guess what, I still had to work and I didn’t move to another city to study, I stayed and picked the lesser of two evils at the time).
I didn’t take any of the courses I wanted because I thought I couldn’t afford them when in reality I could ( I always wanted to go to a Creative Writing or Graphic design course), I didn’t travel anywhere, I didn’t start training on a regular basis…
The reason why I didn’t start this blog earlier is the same – I knew that I would never be good in what I do, so I didn’t want to waste my time on it, even though I have started a blog at least twice so far and I lost interest within 10 days. That is why I am proud of myself for really sticking to it this time. I am finally breaking a mold I have been creating for so long.
All this might seem overly pessimistic, but I like to think that I am a realistic person. I know what the calculated risks are and I decide if I want to take them or not. Most of the time I don’t, and that is something I have started to resent about myself. I wish I were braver. I wish I had more self-esteem to be OK with falling and failing.
I see brave people every day, doing what they love and not giving a damn if someone likes them for it or not. That is also another issue, I always needed to know that I am not being hated. It is silly I know, but that was a result of many insecurities that I have been carrying with me since my early childhood. It’s a separate issue that needs to be addressed by professionals at this point (and that is also not the point of this piece, but I digress.)
I want to be one of those brave people, that don’t calculate and just don’t look at life that way. I wish I had done most of those things, maybe I wouldn’t be regretting them now. I wish I had made all those choices when I had the option to fail, at least I would have learned something from all those failures.
Onwards and upwards, I guess, to changing myself, changing my surroundings, and with that, my future… I hope there are still things in store for me somewhere over the horizon.