Is it better or is it worse, when I compress my feelings into nonexistence? How does that benefit me? Does it make me feel better?
I have found it does.
Faking happiness makes you feel happy or so I have been told. I am still trying to reach that state of delusion.
I can’t make myself forget and ignore, I get annoyed too much and I get involved way too much, it’s how I am. I am an emotional mess. I have not become much better…
But people see me and think I have all my shit together, they have no idea what is going on behind the covers. Neither do I, and that scares me. It scares me that we have come to that place as a human race where we don’t see how much other’s are struggling or how they are broken apart.
People are able to fake all sorts of things – love, friendship, orgasms… but how does one train to fake happiness, stability, devotion… I guess it takes a lot of energy and a lot of experience.
You get used to being that way I guess. It’s what is expected of you, to be happy all the time, to be fulfilled, to mirror the image society wants from you. And soon, you start faking it just to avoid the questions “is everything OK” and “what can I do to help” when you know not everyone, if anyone, really really wants to know what is behind the facade.
And you start ignoring those urges to jump out of your skin everytime someone speaks to you, and you say what is expected of you or do what needs to be done.
Sometimes I am both, both states, both opposites of the spectrum, and that’s what I hate about myself, that everytime I need to just be me, the hot mess of a person, I am expected to be someone else because there is always someone who wants me to change or who wants to change me to fit their standards, to fit society’s standards.
People are telling me I need to learn how to fit into a pattern, not to be that kid that always puts circles over squares and tries hard to squeeze the circle to fit through the square.
I know I won’t be able to do it in this lifetime, but maybe another…