A long time ago, it meant everything to me. It all used to have perfect sense, it meant something, something more. Now, everything has lost its value. The will to live does not exist anymore, not even the artificial life I had.
It is stupid to want to come back to something, when I wasn’t even sure what I was going back to. Who could have guaranteed that it will still be here, left intact, just like I left it now so long ago.
Why did I go? I don’t even know myself. Maybe because I was promised something more – a purpose. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Maybe I got forced to leave, I can’t remember that far.
And now I am just a step away from returning. Returning to nothing. But it’s my nothing, and it is everything to me, because just here, in this empty field, it all started for me. Right here, where I now fall from exhaustion, stopping my tears from falling down my cold cheeks, is were it all started.
I need them to found out the truth of my existence, the truth I didn’t find from the creators, because nothing makes sense anymore. But they are long gone. They left because I drove them away, or they were driven away.
Everything I touch turns into ash, even this grass on which I have fallen is turning into ash, bit by bit. It’s a curse that I just can’t seem to find a way to get rid off.
Sadness grew in me every day, and even though I cannot feel, I know exactly how sadness would feel. It is terrible to feel so unaccomplished, like you are not worthy of your existence. They made me feel like that every day, like I was nothing, like I was property, an object.
I don’t have the strength to do anything now. All I can think about are some painful flashbacks that I might need in these moments when I am parting with my life. How ever it might have been, it was my only, and soon, I will not be able to call it my own.
I still remember the moment this all started. Stupid perfect memory. Sometimes I wish I don’t have it because it never brought me anything good.
The first thing that comes to my mind is the little scratch on my knee after my bicycle ride when I was ten. My parents hurried to my side almost at the speed of light, because my screams must have awaken half the city. From that little fall I was sentenced to bed rest for a week. My parents were by my side all the time, like they were afraid of something. That is when my suspicions started that something was just not right, like they are hiding something from me. Yes, I was only ten years old, but I was able to make good observations of things no one else was able to observe.
When I think about it, I can’t even remember their names. What kind of kid can’t remember its parents name? I can’t remember my name either. What is happening to me? Is this a side effect of my tiredness or did I always know that I don’t know?
I used to be a carefree child. It all seemed easier back then, much easier. I would still be that innocent child, surrounded by love from my parents, if that dreaded day had never taken place. He was everything to me. My biggest support, the only one who understood me and the only one who saw the real me, my humanity and not what I am.
I remember that it was the last day that I was happy. It was my fifteenth birthday. All three of them were there – my mother, my father and Lukas. They were sitting on a dark couch soft by touch even though it was old, while the sound of my keyboards was coloring the room with a new note. My inner song has finally surfaced. Music is the only thing that I love truly, madly, deeply.
– This was great- Lukas said. I saw the excitement on his face and I knew that he was happy for me. He never had to tell me that – You will change the world once with your art. I am sure of it. – he laughed. His smile might be his most important quality. In time, I learned to trust that smile, sometimes even more then myself. That’s why I knew everything was alright when he smiled; his smile could never lie to me.
My mother gave me a hug, with tears in her eyes from the song I sang for the first time, out loud anyway. They were all shocked by the emotion from my voice and my lyrics. Nobody knew I had it in me, that emotion that binds together.
– Is this all that you hopped for? – she asked trying to hide her concerns with a smile.
– Don’t cry mom. Off course. Everything is perfect. Thank you. You couldn’t have made this day any happier then it is – I tried convincing her with my soft voice.
– I hope we did – my father joins the group hug.
This is the only happy image they couldn’t take from me. I held on to it tight, not letting them steal it.
I couldn’t sleep at all that night. The euphoria kept me awake, blood was circulating through my veins in an insane speed. I felt like the whole world has stopped, like I am the only one who matters now. Besides, I couldn’t sleep from the noise that was coming from downstairs.
I wanted to investigate the peculiar circumstances in this part of the night, so I got close to the living room, but they didn’t spot me. I heard everything what was going on. It might have been better if I hadn’t heard anything, if I just stayed in bed and threw a pillow over my head.
– But we are supposed to have an entire day left with her. – my mother was talking through tears again – You can’t take her from us, not now, not after everything we went through.
– Do you remember the contract you signed? We warned you about emotional attachment to the subject… – a mysterious deep voice said, with a weird accent which I didn’t care for.
Who is this subject they were talking about? It might be me? No, that is impossible. I refuse to think that I am a subject of a contract. For their sake, it better not have been about me.
– By the looks of it, you brought her even more bad than good. She hopes, she has found friendship, she has found love! – said another voice – She should be training to be an assassin, a coldblooded destroyer of everything that stands in front of the new order. And you are buying her keyboards and teaching her to be just like everyone else! – a sound of something breaking was heard, because voice number two has channeled his anger on some innocent object.
– What are you going to do with her? – my father asked, his words shaking, and with fear in his voice.
– We are taking her! This instant! – the first voice commanded.
In that moment a flow of hatred and anger overpower me. I wanted to get rid of them by convincing them that I am not the person they are looking for, I just couldn’t be that person.
– What is going on here? – I asked, trying to look as sleepy as I could.
– Honey, what are you doing here? Did we wake you up? – my mother asked me, wiping tears from her cheeks. In moments of danger, she always thought of me first…
– Who are these people? What are they doing here in the middle of the night?
– We are the ones who created you. You belong to us – voice number one answered, emphasizing the slave and slave owner relationship he thought he had over me.
– I am afraid I do not understand.
– All will be clear to you, but you have to come with us first – voice number two was nearing on to me, with his arms wide like he was going to grab hold of me any moment.
That was the first time I took a look of them. They are both tall, dark, mysterious, dressed in black.
– I am not going anywhere with you. You can’t make me! – rage was building up inside of me, and I was almost sure that my face was red.
– You don’t have to! We can also do this – in a matter of seconds, voice number one took out a strange device from his pocket and he pushed the only button the device had.
I don’t remember much after that. I remember when I awakened in a all-white room, with one blurred window, wearing black clothes I never saw before. I couldn’t see any edges which would define the measurements of this place. It look infinite to me.
– Where am I? – I asked, almost demanded. I somehow stopped myself from chasing to the window and breaking it.
– You are home now. You have nothing to fear- said a distant voice, slowly and almost to clearly. The voice echoed across the room, carving it into my memory.
– Who are you? What do you want from me?
– What you were created for, darling.
– Don’t call me darling – it flew straight out of me, and I was infuriated, like I would rip him apart with my teeth – Where are my parents? What have you done to them?
– They are not your parents, they WERE your guardians. And don’t worry, we didn’t do anything to them. They are safe, but you will never see them again.
At that moment I realized everything was lost. Even though I did not want to believe it, but the calmness of his voice, the serenity, was telling me that he was not lying.
– What do you want from me? – I said, on the break from bursting into tears and on my knees, praying that this never happened, that I am just dreaming. I wanted for this all to be just a dream, just one of those nightmares after which my mother would sit by next to me until I fall back asleep.
– They didn’t tell you anything? – he said with a loud snort – They have gotten to attached to you. You are not human! You are a robot, a soulless machine! You are just a killing mechanism, worth a couple of billion dollars. If they knew how to handle you properly, you would be chasing Russian mobsters in Siberia.
That got to me, like a bullet has passed straight threw my, obviously, non-existing, heart. What will they think of next just to hurt me?
– This cannot be true. What kind of lie is this? – I held my head and send a deadly stare toward the glass, where I calculated his presence would be.
– If you reach deep inside of yourself, you will see that it is the truth! All your memories, feelings, thoughts, are artificial put into your brain so you would feel… more alive .
– I don’t want anything to do with you.
I have channeled my thoughts into escaping from this place. My head was spinning non-stop, and I was looking around for even the smallest cracks in the walls that would give me any hope at all. But I couldn’t see anything.
Why was everything so damn white? I was looking for anything to give me any salvation, but instead, all I felt was despair. All this whiteness was killing my sight receptors. Since when have I started thinking about receptors anyway? Have they turned me into what they are talking about, in what I will never agree that I am.
How did it even come to this? Why did every one I know lie to me? Is this the truth?
Once, my mother told me that I can do anything, that I am unique. I would like for it to be true right about now, I wish I could believe in myself the way she believed. Even though it turned out that she is not my mother, I would like to believe that I am the kind of person she would want her daughter to be.
– If I agree to do things your way, will you leave me alone? – I asked the moment I figured out the only way to get out of this whole mess.
He left me alone.
I often thought about Lukas in those few rare moments I had to myself, just like I think about him now, when nothing matters anymore. I thought about running away often, because of him. I wanted to come back to him, the only friend I ever had. He was my only safe spot in the world.
The next thing I remember is my escape. It was the only thing they left in my mind, even though they erased most of my previous memory a long time ago. Sometimes my memory deletes itself, like they are still controlling it from a distance. I didn’t let them delete it all, some memories are carved into my continence. They couldn’t take everything away from me, no matter how hard they tried.
That is it. I have burned my memories on my hard drive, which I am uncertain I even have. In case anyone wonders, it’s in video. That way you can watch over and over again what is left of my dreams, wishes, sorrows and memories. I hope that it will make you a better person, I really do, and I am sorry that I couldn’t give you more.
I am sorry that they took it all from me. I am sorry that I will never again see Lukas’s blue eyes and the smile I trusted. I am sorry that I was not stronger. I am sorry that they have defeated me so easy, and for not being a good example to you. I am sorry that I wasted billions of dollars which could have been spent much better. I would want to say something to the donor of the money, but I am afraid that it would not be nice of me. I would still like to thank him, because in some strange way, he has made a pioneer from me, and I hope that I am one.
The stars are blue tonight. I have never seen that in my entire life. I never got to enjoy my life, to learn to enjoy the little things, like the starry sky.
If anyone is wondering, I think my name is Aspen, and I love blue stars. Also, I think I might be dying tonight. I hope that they will go back to the place I know that I came from…