Over and over I try to change, to be a better, more perfect version of myself. That is what is asked of me.
In our small world, they teach us that fear is what makes us change. We live in a world where people are ranked by how many fears they have. No one has left this battle as a winner.
Fear are like living things they change and evolve alongside of us. They are like monsters, a monster each one of us has inside as a pet.
From time to time they remind us that perfect is the one who defeats their fears. Even though we might like to think that we forget them, the thought is still there, haunting us.
That is the reason why I am standing here in a black latex outfit, in order to overcome my fears. The simulation is just about to start. The worst thing is that I never know when I cross over to the other side. It just happens.
It is pretty obvious when you get transferred from a dark room into a world we all create for ourselves, but our brain is taught not to differentiate those two places.
This time I find myself on the shores, and I know exactly what is going to happen next. It’s coming. It always is.
A light figure, with long hair the color of honey, is coming closer and closer. She is my first and only love.
Every time I imagine her I see her as a goddess. That is the way I have seen her from the day we fell apart. She comes into my dreams as much as she comes into my simulations. I am still afraid I might lose her forever. That is the only fear that I can’t conquer.
I know the scenario by heart already, and sometimes I feel like I am in a really bad movie. Every time she asks me why did we ever drift apart and every time I don’t have an answer, I still don’t.
– I don’t know, it just happened.
– Don’t lie to yourself. You know the reason all too well. – she says while the light shines right through her, like she is made only of light.
Do I? I mean, do I really know the reason?
I always thought we would stick together, that she will be here for me, like I was always there for her.
Reality is different.
The truth is that she was the one who marked me for life.
At one point in my life, I didn’t realize I was still surrounded by good people and great friends. I know her from the moment we were both just little kids, there is nothing we didn’t know about one another. That is what hurts the most.
When she was leaving, she was deeply disappointed. She said she needed to think about “stuff”. I never saw her beautiful face after that, or heard her voice besides in my dreams.
I am trying really hard not to cry every time the thought of her crawls into my head somehow. I don’t always succeed. That was the first time I cried in front of others.
– Don’t you want me in your life anymore? – she asks, and even thought I can’t see it I am sure she is crying inside, the way I cry.
– It is not my fault this happened. – I tell her, like I always would.
It has all been seen so many times, that it makes me sick to even think of it again.
– It’s all your fault! – I cover my mouth the moment those words escape it.
That has been tormenting me for quite some time, and now I can’t take it anymore. The moment has come.
I have had enough. I have spent far too many nights waiting for sleep to relieve me of my pains, thinking if it could have been different. Could I have stopped her? I probably could. Would she have stayed? I doubt it.
I realize now that this relationship was mostly based on me, on how I was supposed to lead it. It all began and ended on my shoulders. Did she realize that she didn’t want that kind of life anymore? I might never know. That wasn’t love, it wasn’t friendship. It was a big nothing.
It kills me that it took me this long to figure it out. I brought upon myself so many tears, sorrows, sleepless nights, moments of doubt and insecurity that haunted me to this day
– That’s it! It is all your fault. You didn’t want me anymore, so it was easier for you to just leave then to say it in my face. – I say.
– That, that is not true. – she replies, quite shocked that I had the strength to say that
– Don’t lie to yourself. You know the reason all too well.
In that moment, she changes. She is no longer a goddess, something untouchable. Now she is just another regular, a nobody.
– I thought we would always be together, and you didn’t want what I wanted or even think that you might want it – I say, and I see tears on her cheeks. I start crying with her too. The wave of emotions hits me again, but at least I am used to it.
– Why is everything in life so complicated? – she asks, while her eyes full of tears seek comfort in mine.
– I don’t know. We can’t go on like this anymore. I really need to let you go now, from my life, from my mind. I have been waiting long enough.
I embrace her with both of my arms and I hold her tight, because this is the last time I will ever hold her. It’s the last time I will feel her warmth around my heart. It’s the way it needs to be.
She slowly turns into white feathers that the wind blows in every direction it can. She is gone and the hope of our happiness along with it.
– Goodbye – I hear an echo. It’s slowly fading.
I come back to reality, only to realize that I am on my knees. I can’t get up. This is where I belonged, in that moment with her. Maybe I deliberetly sabotaged the simulation each time just so that I can see her again and again and again.
Now, I beat my last fear, my fear of losing her.
Am I a better person for it? A person who fears nothing? A stronger personality? Capable of leading others?