Chapter 15 – Nights with you

Are the hardest, my friend. It’s a special kind of chill that runs down my spine.

The darkness. The silence. No recognition.

You bring me down, no questions asked. But you are always here, like you crave something. I wish I knew what it was, maybe you would leave me alone when I wanted.

You do not better me. There is no reason for your existence, yet you feed off of me. You need a host to carry you over, so you found me. I am a big dot on the map and not easy to miss.

At the worst times, at the best times, you are there, making me question every move I make, every step, every moment, every everything… Next to you the sky is less blue, if I can even see the sky.

Sometimes you make me shiver, think of things I would otherwise never have the time to think. You keep me awake, realizing I am truly alone in this world. I can never let go of those feelings, and that’s all on you.

In the quietest part of night, I am alone with you. The dead hour, I have no things to say. You consume me. Take over my whole body and soul when I least expect it, and I don’t know how to stop. Will you even stop?

Starry skies turn into distant destinations. Peaceful oceans turn into death traps. Best friends turn into backstabbers. Actions turn into thoughts, thoughts of cowardice. Self-esteem is nonexistent. The clouds only pour rain on me. Spider web traps my heart.

I can only write. Write the words that I could not say. Write the actions I wish I took. Write the thoughts I wish remained unthought of. All I can do is restricted by the combination of letters it takes to form a sentence. A paragraph. A story. My story. To be read sometimes, somewhere. Maybe then the feeling will pass. I will find closure and peace of mind.  

I don’t know what it takes to get rid of you.

How do I get rid of you?



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