In the oddest of places you look, you can find peace, you can find a lot of things. Silence is not of those places.
Left alone, just with my own thoughts… isn’t that a scenario I have witnessed countless times? I wanted it to be different, to be special. I wanted to be special. No one ever had such plans for me, unfortunately…
In the deepest darkest corners I have found rejections, the exclusion of thoughts, of emotions, of desires. There was nothing there, no one wanted there to be anything and so there wasn’t.
I found self-doubt, an uneasiness that holds me sometimes to this day, a crippling feeling that won’t let go because it knows that it has a permanent resting place in me.
There is no cure. I don’t think it will ever go away.
I found loneliness when there was no one to hear me scream, how my soul was leaving my body on countless nights on end. I found weakness the moment I wanted to let go, when it became too much, when no one cared. The fires from within were still burning, but just. They kept getting put out. It took a lot out of me to keep them fueled over all this time, sometimes I fear I am close to the end.
When it got tough, I turned to myself and little by little, I got used to it. I was my own pillar. That is how it should always be.
No one was responsible for what I have become. It was my choice to be influenced by the silence for so long. It was sweet, but then the flavor faded. The aroma that be fooled me for so long kept getting thinner and thinner, until it was eventually gone. There was no epiphany moment, no great contemplation or redemption… it just was not there anymore. And it was huge news for me.
It was a process, one I had the strength to pursue on my own, even after all that time. The sketches I made still keep my memory fresh so that never happens again, even when I get a strong urge to miss that something, to miss that hole where I used to crawl and waited for things to change. Confrontation was now an option for me.
Through rejections, I have found acceptance… acceptance for who I am and for who I will always be. That is never going to change. Through self-doubt I found courage, the will to persevere and to carry on, to fight my own battles and not rely on anyone else. Through weakness I found strength, the power to climb mountains as if there were nothing but hills, to hop over them one by one as it was that easy all this time.
And in that loneliness I have found a friend… in me.
In the end what I found is me.
If you liked these kinds of insights and expression of thoughts, here are some of the previous chapters: