All the things that have happened to me during my life lead me to a point where I just wonder – what is even the reason I am still sane, normal and kind? Cuz a lot of the shit that has happened to me, all the people that I have encountered who have not made me richer with experience, all of those things… they would probably change a lot of people.
And in this world of today being kind is taken for weakness – you need to be ruthless, brutal, a person made of steel because people pray on your weaknesses.
Why are there individuals who seek out the weakest string in us? To make themselves feel better.
And one of the things I have constantly been pray to for people is my kindness.
I am not on Mother Teresa level, I am far from it, and dare I say it I will tell people to fuck off or go fuck themselves when I don’t want them around or I don’t want to help them in the tiniest bit (I have no problem with that), but for the people who are good to me, important to me, I will bend over backwards to do anything that is in my might to aid them. I will help the old lady cross the street, I will help the little girl fix her bike when she is just trying to get home as quickly as possible, not to mention if you need any help over anything in University – I am fucking there. If you want me to fucking help you make that report in Excel even though you are a manager and you should fucking know how to do it and not bring disgrace to the job title everywhere, I will do the best in my ability to make it for you even though I may not have the time to finish my own work because of it.
If you want me to help you in any way, if you are a decent human being, you will receive my full cup of kindness, and people seem to have figured that out. Some individuals with whom I have gotten closer over the last few years know that they can use me and manipulate me, and I will never say a word because of our “friendship” or whatever, as have some colleagues as well. I never receive a pat on the back for anything anywhere really, I have to run towards everything and grab it with my bare hands, but, despite being good towards those people and being kind and generous, I am always last on their mind. I have always been neglected cuz it’s always like “Oh, he is such a sweetheart, he won’t mind”. Now if you have read that in a normal tone of voice, go back and read it in the most condescending way imaginable, that is what I receive almost on a daily basis.
That is why I need to change my surroundings, why I need to change my job, cut some people out of my life once more, and the ultimate extreme would be even to change cities, somewhere where people don’t know me and where I cannot make the same mistakes again.
I deserve the chance to not be taken for granted and taken advantage of.
Everyone does. I wish we all got the respect we deserve, and I hope you are doing better than me. Sometimes I can’t take it anymore.