This was always my flaw. From a very young age I learned to be disappointed in a lot of things and over time I developed a self-defense mechanism to not expect too much, too not get my hopes up so that I wouldn’t get hurt. 
I don’t have any expectations anymore, and I know that might be some cliché bullshit, but I stand by my shit. 
Sometimes, because of that, I wouldn’t even start doing something because I already “knew” that I was setting myself up for disaster. I never dared to do almost anything. Playing it safe has become sort of a moto.
I didn’t go to University in a different city because I would have to pay for my expenses meaning I would have to work (well guess what, I still have to work and I didn’t move to another city to study, I stayed and picked the lesser of two evils at the time), I didn’t take any of the courses I wanted because I thought I couldn’t afford them when in reality I could ( I always wanted to go to a Creative Writing Course), I didn’t travel anywhere…
The reason why I didn’t start this blog earlier is the same – I knew that I would never be good in what I do, so I didn’t want to waste my time on it, even though I have started a blog at least twice so far and I lost interest within 10 days. That is why I am proud of myself for really sticking to it this time. I am finally breaking a mold I have been creating for so long.
This might seem overly pessimistic, but I like to think that I am a realistic person.  I know what the calculated risks are and I decide if I want to take them or not. Most time I don’t, and that is something I have started to resent about myself. I wish I was more brave.
I see brave people everyday, doing what they love and not giving a damn if someone likes them for it or not. That is also another issues, I always needed to know that I am not being hated. It’s silly I know, but that was a result of a lot of insecurities that I have been carrying with me since my childhood.
I want to be one of those brave people, that don’t calculate and just don’t look at life that way. I wish I had done most of those things, maybe I wouldn’t be regretting them now.
Onwards and upwards I guess, to changing myself, changing my surroundings, and with that, my future.
Stay tuned!


Let me know what are your thoughts!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.